11. things I didn't lose in the fire
Hello, 2022 boos! How are you? This missive is going to be anchored in/ organized around the color orange. You can think of it as a wish dot com Bluets.
Orange is the color associated with creativity, optimism, energy & the sacral chakra. It’s also a fruit. I think it’s chaotic good, as far as colors go.
Orange has a wavelength somewhere between 585 and 620, according to optics. Optics is both the study of the behavior of light and can also mean the way something is perceived by the public.
good optics.
bad optics.
As a quick aside, something that feels like it merits some attention. I saw a tweet recently (I am heartbroken and haunted to report that I deleted the screenshot of the tweet), which argued that the reason we are seeing a boom in Y2K fashion is that, for the men who are going through their divorces right now, Y2K fashion is how their crushes were dressing when they were younger.
The author of the tweet then predicted that we will see a return of the American Apparel aesthetic soon as older millennial men go through the same thing. The resurgence of Y2K fashion being connected to men’s midlife crises? This is actually such a profoundly prescient take. Trend cycles are driven by horniness and nostalgia. Ugh… and yass?! I don’t know. As someone who panders to both of those things professionally, I’d rather not do it for free. But, since my daywear style (when not in sweats and a duster) ranges from severe librarian to elementary school art teacher I think I may already be doing that unintentionally.
omg panopticon of the male gaze. Anyways, back to orange!
Newest addition to the household: She’s a little ~quirky~ and needs to be propped up on two books in order to turn on, but she’s my new deity. Tentative name: Brilheinha. For those who haven’t experienced a Portuguese winter firsthand, it is colder inside than outside. The buildings don’t have any form of central heating. I had convinced myself I was unworthy of a warm house, that I could make do with the tiny little space heater provided by my landlord … I had resigned to shivering my way through, wearing gloves, and seeing my breath in the bathroom. All it took was my fire-sun friend to visit for a week and ask me, girl, why are you living like this?
My neighbors call my orange cat, Magda “Whiskey.” I honestly love that they named her and haven’t bothered to correct them. Hey, if her mama can have several names why can’t she?!
On December 31, 2021, the devastating Marshall Fire began tearing through Boulder County. Footage showed the land glowing orange and pluming walls of smoke. It ignited quickly and leveled so many homes. The storage facility where I’ve been keeping things was impacted. Two units down from mine the contents were incinerated, leaving nothing but ash and rubble.
Miraculously, the contents of my storage unit were more or less intact. The number of the unit burned off and inside my dormant possessions were coated in debris and rubble. I’m thankful. I was lucky. And yet, there’s a part of me that wishes everything had burned. It’s more complicated grief to decide what will be salvageable.
Among the impacted contents: the first bedframe I ever bought myself — a platform storage bed with room for books underneath. A memory foam mattress. A large macrame wall hanging. My orange morning chair with a matching ottoman that endured five moves.
Remnants of the little life I made as I cracked and resculpted myself various times. Things that were too important to release, but not consequential or small enough to take with me where I’d go next.
My friend and I cackled over FaceTime as we watched a maintenance crew member bring my neon rainbow Pleaser heels from my singed unit to an unaffected one.
Journals, framed art, a diploma.
I asked her if she had some palo santo to burn then realized that she probably shouldn’t burn anything inside a unit given the circumstances.
She resolved to leave something. After digging around in her car, she left a tiny Christmas ornament and a stick of selenite. We said sweet words to my resilient items. I was deeply moved. It felt like someone was tending to an alter of my absence, carrying out tasks on my behalf, and I wondered if this is how the dead feel.
~
Songs that feel orange: (linking on Youtube instead of Spotify in solidarity w Neil Young; get fucked Joe Rogan)
Bingeworthy shows that bring orange energy:
Between COVID, a UTI, and general midwinter malaise, I’ve moved through a lot of shows recently. Here are my top picks:
Selling Sunset: this show is actually Xanax.
On Becoming a God in Central Florida: Kirsten Dunst with 80s hair & pyramid schemes? Yes. I also HIGHLY recommend pairing this show with the below podcast Love & Light Confessionals, and in particular, the episode “How the Grift is Grifted” — so much good context to the current era of girlbossery and life coaches we are living in, connected the coaching industry to MLMs and evangelism.
Witcher: so good. Geralt of Rivia can get it. Stoic and also tender. My friend Dm’d me recently saying, “I had a dream about Geralt of Rivia last night but like not sexy more like he was my dad.” Who doesn’t want a magical surrogate dad who fights monsters?
~
As a final note, I don’t know if you feel it too, but it’s like after slogging through the decade of this January, we’re being poised, aimed, and lit. Here are a few intentions and affirmations for all of us as we move into the shortest month:
I hope you have lucid dreams. I hope you wake up and Geralt of Rivia is your dad. I hope you feel warm. I hope your friends roast you in the kindest ways possible. I hope you have regular good poops that are 3 wipes or less. I hope you sin. I hope you wander aimlessly and break your routine. I hope you feel like your surroundings are conspiring to delight you… because I do believe that they are.
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As always, thank you for spending a part of your day with me, engaging with my writing, and supporting me and my work. Next week I begin a P.h.D. in Translation Studies, and I am honestly so excited! The feverish researcher in me is coming back online. If you want to sponsor submission fees, electricity bills (lol new heater), buy me a coffee, a massage, etc. you can Venmo me @duffylala or subscribe to my paid tier (which will be getting more robust, I promise!).. on the docket for 2022: essays on films, more poetry, and first glimpses at new projects! mwah mwah. <3 <3 <3
Such a good post!